Habit Seven
The Seven Habits for a Breathtaking Relationship
In my practice - the title Amazing Couple - is often used to acknowledge those that have accomplished some amazing feats within their relationship. Overcoming obstacles that once got in their way of happiness and peace of mind together.
How did they overcome these obstacles? Practice, but practicing what?
The Seven Habits for a Breathtaking Relationship
This week I will take you through the seventh habit. These habits are a collection for the basis for an upcoming ebook.
Habit Seven: Be a Love Finder Versus a Fault Finder
Dr. John Gottman dubbed the four horsemen, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt. In this issue, we are using Criticism and Contempt, two very destructive actions for intimate relationships as it relates to Love Finding and Fault Finding.
Criticism is destructive to your relationships when it is:
~About the character, rather than the behavior ~Blaming ~Belittling ~Shaming ~Making fun of
Criticism usually will escalate over time. Its presence exposes increasing resentment. The one being criticized will often find ways to defend themselves, turning it into a vicious circle for both.
Contempt expresses the feelings of dislike toward your partner. It implies they are worthless and undeserving of respect. It is an act of superiority; communication through insult, name-calling, tone of voice, and facial expressions.
Contempt, like criticism, contributes to resentment.
Resentment is a weed that will take over your relationship, your relationship being a metaphorical garden. Contempt is controlling and can make your lover feel emotionally trapped. It can also cause the couple to get stuck in a Stage of Love, specifically Stage Three.
Are You a Love Finder or a Fault Finder?
I have a client, a couple, they have a beautiful baby and their relationship was really special. At least until the baby came. He is more practical and a little wound-tight. I understand that characteristic, as I can be that way myself quite often.
I say this only because she often feels controlled and gets resentful about it. She shows her contempt by pulling away from his touch and by shutting down. It can be days before she gets herself back to normal again. She says she doesn’t feel loved or understood.
He, on the other hand, feels stuck managing everything that matters. Trying to fulfill their financial goals, a new future life that they both want. He keeps the house, works, and manages the yard. He gets resentful because he is stuck with all the pressures. He says he almost never sees her out of her pajamas anymore.
On top of that, he really wants to see her happy again.
They have developed the art of fault-finding. Both of their complaints are valid, but they both may be self-absorbed.
What to do
Being a Love Finder versus a Fault Finder (coined by Dr. Gerald Jampolsky) is a simple shift in how you see the world. If your view of the world is one of being attacked, then defensiveness will look exactly like this couple.
Remember why you are in the relationship, why does it matter to you? Getting to your why is the way to move through being stuck. Once unstuck, start examining all the loving characteristics that exist within your mate. Be a Love-Finder!
Getting and Giving
( the following quoted is excerpted from Love Is Letting Go of Fear, Dr. Gerald Jampolksy) “It is important to remember that we have everything we need now and that the essence of our being is Love. If we think we need to get something from another, we will love that person when we get what we think we want, and we will hate that person when we do not.
We frequently have love/hate relationships in which we find ourselves trading conditional love. Getting motivation leads to conflict and distress and is associated with linear time.
Giving means extending one’s Love with no conditions, no expectations, and no boundaries. Peace of mind occurs, therefore, when we put all our attention into giving and have no desire to get anything from, or to change, another person. The giving motivation leads to a sense of inner peace and joy that are unrelated to time.”
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