Why? What’s the ‘why’ of relationship? What's the 'why' of your relationship, or the one that you want, or wish for?
25 years ago I was deeply examining this question, not from a personal view, but a bigger picture of it all, the whole of it, the design of it.
That examination led to me to developing, designing and producing a seminar series in 1995 for couples called Partners for Life. A contextual shift from the first impression, so rather than partner for a life as in a lifetime this is a partner for life as in someone for your life, someone for your aliveness - that you are with them you have more life energy a freedom to express a freedom to be yourself a freedom to the experience of aliveness now that is love
let's look at this a bit more profoundly you're taking an individual that we will call me and another individual that we will call you, now we're taking me and you and making us the couple And I want you to consider that the couple is its own entity. And if there is me over here and I'm very concerned with me in fact in my head is Mimi Mimi all day long and then over there there's you and you are very concerned with you (your version of ME) and you are me me me all day long - Will 2 me concerned individuals make a happy couple? Not likely, because, when you're very me conscious you're looking for what you can get out of the couple versus who you are for the couple, it's very passive, it's not loud and it's not being devious it's just a fact of relationship but, if you want the transformed version of a relationship the partner for life version then you want to get to the WHY. I love Simon Sinek's book ,many of you listening to me today may have read his book, it's directed to business and industry but, his philosophy's and his insights really do apply to the couple. I've interviewed many couples over these 25 years and I've asked them all why. Why relationship or why relationship with this person and very rarely do people have a clearly defined response. Not knowing why isnt’ a problem until you aren’t willing to examine it for yourself. It is the access to having more of what you want.
The answers did reveal however, clearly defined or not, that we are all very interested in the transformed version of a relationship that partner for life version but, you see, the best relationships are not by luck, the best relationships of the day are not by accident nor fate; they exist because those that are in them know why, they know why they're in them and, they have a contextual view for having them work. That contextual view, by the way is inspiring. These couples inspire the people around them and they enjoy happier lives and happier families.
When you get to the why, your own personal why, these things will happen
One, if you're single and looking you'll be more naturally attracted to an actual fit for you. Two, if you're already coupled, together, you uncovering the why will serve to develop a foundation for growth and opportunity with way more life, way more life energy and, way more love
in our next podcast the next episode I we're gonna talk about true love
but let's get to WHY and see where it goes
Why a relationship? I don't want you to think about the person with whom you're in relationship if you are already coupled, just consider why!!
Some people that I've interviewed and asked why they say things like well, I want somebody who can make me feel special – I hope to find that or get that in my relationship -then others might say I don't want to be alone I'm lonely I don't want to be lonely anymore - I have some that want to start a family they want to have children - others say listen if I just have loyalty and somebody who's trustworthy that's enough for me - then I have some who say gosh I just wanna feel safe, I just wanna feel secure that's why - one other told me I just feel empty and I think somebody could fill that space for me
- While others say they want to be taken care of emotionally financially sexually
Every single one of these responses are valid answers to the question why I mean why would you be in a relationship if you don't feel loved or cherished or if you don't feel like you're special or safe or secure I mean what's the point.
When you consider the view from a partners for life version of relationship and by the way there are many transformed individuals in the world and even the many transformed individuals in the world fail to contextualize the relationship from this point of view.
If you're going for an authentic companionship then that companionship will naturally cause a particular friction and that friction will either generate an opportunity for you to know yourself more, the opportunity to expand and, the opportunity to heal the emotional bruises accumulated along the way in life, then getting to the real why will have the friction be welcomed, included and utilized.
It will be included because you know why you were in it.
Years ago i had a coach who directed me to make a list that we called our conditions of satisfaction and it was our conditions of satisfaction for a lover, A partner, a spouse.
The list can be a list of 10, 15, 20 items that say animate this is what I am interested in having
It's like you know standing in line at the Jimmy John's sub shop and you're checking the boxes of what's important to you to be on that sub and if any of those things were left off that sub you'd send it back to be corrected or if there were things on there that you didn't ask for you'd do the same, so that's the list of conditions of satisfaction I recommend that everyone of you take on this project I want you to make a list of your conditions of satisfaction for having a mate. I recommend that you try to get to 10 of 'em at least many of you will get to 25 or more fine once you get as many as you can think of then go through them and narrow him down to the as close to 10 as reasonably comfortable. ALL will count but you want to get about 10 or so to rise to the top of importance.
I'll share with you my list that might help you get started the whole purpose though of having your conditions of satisfaction spelled out is that it will be very easy for you to answer the question why and if you're not already in a couple then you will be more clear about what it is that works for you and what it is that you're willing to compromise or tolerate but at least you'll know why and if you're in a couple and you can answer the question why then you will raise the standard of your relationship to a higher level, one that has more peace more harmony more adventure or those things that are really important to you. So, here's my list not so that I beat yours but so that I give you maybe some stimulation in getting yours written.
This is my list. Jot down ideas you see for yourself as we go. #1I want someone who's my height who's tight and lean #2 I want someone who regards quality of life as of the utmost importance #3 I want somebody who's peaceful and harmony harmonious and adventurous #4 I want someone who is healthy and vital and within my age range #5 I want someone who regards transformation with high regard #6 I want someone who's focused on learning and growing #7 I want someone who is financially stable on their own #8 I want someone who already has children because I'm family oriented and I've not had children of my own #9 I want someone who loves to travel with me #10 I want someone who's social enough and enjoy socializing with me #11 I want someone I enjoy having sex with who enjoys having sex with me #12 I want someone who enjoys and works towards a pristine home #13 I want someone who's independent that he loves to be with me is perfectly content on his own doing his own thing having his own space and honoring mine #14 I want someone who honors my family who they are for me and who they are for us #15 I want someone who respects my work my career and my hobbies not at the expense of his own but I keep myself very busy and I want someone who isn't going to try and change that about me
That’s my list. There are 15 of them and there are some that didn’t make the top 15. Your list could go on and on too but, after you make your list go back and narrow it down to about 10 and look at them and say yes these are my conditions of satisfaction.
I am not limiting you to 10 by the way but, if you can kind of get that, then you'll be able to more focus on getting to the Top 4 or 5 that are most important, which we'll talk about in a moment but, for now I'm gonna just stop talking for about a minute here and allow you to consider what are the conditions of satisfaction, for you? Maybe you have known some but never really looked at them as seriously.
Now listen you may already have a partner or attract a partner that will fulfill everything on your list.
It's not very likely.
More likely is there will be varying degrees of fulfillment throughout the list so, when you take a look, see if you can find those Top 4 or 5 and notice if these got fulfilled most of the time if you could develop a high tolerance for compromise in the rest of your list and if you got that Top 4 or 5 fulfilled most of the time you'd be happy, you'd be satisfied and the friction will be sufficient to cause growth an expansion for the couple and for the individuals that make up that couple.
You'll know why and you'll have the why of it.
I'm in relationship - why?
As you listen to me speak about what I narrowed mine down to think about your own list.
When I answered the question - which of these if they were fulfilled most of the time would have me develop a high tolerance for compromise with the rest of the list; this is what I came up with #1 I'm in relationship for companionship and the friction that goes along with that #2 I want somebody Who I love to be with and who loves to be with me #3 I want somebody I love to travel with who loves to travel with me #4 I want somebody who I love to have sex with and who loves to have sex with ME #5 I want someone who is financially stable on his own
these are my Top 5 conditions of satisfaction and those in my relationship are fulfilled most of the time and given their fulfilled most of the time I have a high tolerance for compromise in the rest of my list, now I am fortunate in that many on my list are fulfilled most of the time and that does make me really happy in my marriage.
But maybe that's not how it is for you, maybe you've made your list and you've looked at it and you've noticed wow my partner doesn't fulfill anything on my list. Well then, that would lead you to some very serious questions; perhaps there is something you're getting out of the relationship that at some level you want and it may not be A very powerful thing when examined, only you can answer that question and only after you are willing to examine. At the very least knowing you're why will help you have the kind of conversation necessary to move forward within or without the couple.
So as I close, something I want to leave you with I really believe in true love I believe in love being expressed wherever we are and it's because of that that the stages of love exists.
Thank you for listening I am very interested in your lists, you can email me you can make comments.
Our next episode is true love please tune into the next episode having already gotten your Top 4 or 5 conditions of satisfaction it'll make the call lot more fun for you thank you and good day