• TrustBusters

     

    Trust
    Trusting your partner with your heart.  Gaining the trust to hold the heart of our partner.  Couples with high trust levels do for each other in ways beyond what is visible and all the time, from the book "(A general theory of love", by Thomas Lewis) the two in a trust based couple simultaneously transmit information to each other that can alter hormone levels, cardiovascular function, sleep rhythms, immune function, and more.  High trust levels in a couple lead to LIFE!

    TRUST BUSTERS

    Contempt
    Disdain, dislike, disrespect, scorn, disapproval, hatred, condescension.  When I express hatred for myself or disrespect, scorn myself I eat away at self-trust.  Disapproving of my partner, being condescending with him/her destroys trust between us.  What kind of trust?  Your partner is 100% open with you and then gets hit with CONTEMPT, maybe you don’t like what he/she said, did or how he/she said/did.  Disrespect is very hard to overcome.

    Criticism
    When you are critical of yourself you kill off trust for yourself.  When you express criticism to your partner you kill off trust for your partner.  What kind of trust?  In the beginning he/she trusted you to the point of being 100% SELF with you.  What happens when you criticize someone who is open with you?  They shrink, shut down or separate themselves in some way.
     

    Hidden Agendas
    An agenda isn't bad or wrong, an agenda is just an agenda. It is that it's hidden.  A hidden agenda is like an ulterior motive; you may do something or act a certain way in a supposed inclination to be kind and helpful or generous, but the real reason you did that was for personal gain. Hidden agendas impact TRUST between a couple. Again its not the AGENDA it's the HIDING. When I hide my motives or intentions it destroys trust.  It raises the question "do you have really my back?" because if you have my back then of course everything including your agenda is out on the table. Transparent!

    Win-Lose
    Win-Lose is an attitude that everything and everyone is a competition. While competition can be a very good thing, you and your partner may be playing a game or you've put together a competition around eating habits or weight loss-there can only be one winner. WIN LOSE as a trust buster is the couple is not as important as being the best, being right or just having things go your way. This approach often shows up if you are jealous when something good happens to your lover, or you feel threatened to not be noticed as important. Healthy relationships take each others needs and feelings into account .  It involves a large degree of give and take and that requires trust. The seven habits Steven Covey, habit number 4 Win Win or No Deal. “I only want to go for Win/Win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn’t want to get my way and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually surface and create a withdrawal on the heart bank. On the other hand, I don’t think you would feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let’s work for a Win/Win. Let’s really hammer it out. And if we can’t find it, then let’s agree that we won’t make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get together.”

    Evasion
    avoidance, evasion noun i-ˈvā-zhən, ē-: the act of avoiding something that you do not want to deal with
    : a kind of stone walling as Dr Gottman of the Gottman Institute puts it.
    This way of being or action leaves the partner uncertain and insecure with the other. For Trust to abound one needs certainty. Certainty that you will speak your mind, that you will negotiate, that you won't "stop the action" until you both are satisfied with the outcome, even if its provisionally.

    Low Blows
    A comment which is cruel and callous. Meant to cut like a knife. Hence the term low blow, it hurts. hard to take that back.

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